Hummingbird Soul

I didn’t sleep well last night. My heart hasn’t been right lately. It pulses at times with irregular beats and that’s how I know it’s certainly broken. My tears are stuck somewhere inside and when I am finally able to create space for them to fall, they don’t come. And when my son is inquisitive or enthusiastic to show me something new, those are the moments that the tears flood my eyes in glistening pools…but I hold it in to preserve his peace. I’m not sure this is right. Perhaps letting him see my pain and how I work through it would serve him better. 

Oh, how very imperfect I am. We’re all in that together. But why does this feel like punishment? Why does it feel so broken? Like even the way it was broken is broken. This feels like splinters or nails digging in my stomach trying to push their way through. 

I am nauseous and tight and strung out. Emotionally, and mentally, I feel depleted. I need to heal but I can’t even grieve properly. I have no space to fail or falter. I must be what I have not yet become in order to take care of us. How do I do this? How do I do this on my own?

I feel lost and hurt and oh so very sad. I am humbled by this moment and that something I thought was so certain would be stripped from me so suddenly. 

I am ashamed and embarrassed to have to live this out loud. This could be so different. This could be a peaceful and fair separation but it’s not. 

I grieve the girl I once was and the death of her naivety. I grieve the timid quiet girl who would have continued to sacrifice her self-respect and dignity for the sake of her partnership. Her road may have seemed easier at times but her sacrifice would not have been worth it in the end. I grieve the man he could have been and mostly the man he used to be. I grieve the us that we once knew. 

But birth is painful. And this rebirth is bearing a beast into this world. What’s being born in me is strong, steady, resilient, determined, and laser focused. This new woman has a greater purpose and a burning passion. This is not the birth of just one woman but a ripple effect that will touch thousands of women. 

This is my time. I asked for discernment and God has shown me the way. Holding onto faith I am stepping out and stepping into a reality that is no longer fabricated in shallow existence but instead a life of love and service. 

This is a new life so beautiful and full that there will be no doubt that this was the right path no matter how bad it hurts in this moment. So, even in sadness, even in grief, I’m sitting in gratitude because it will be worth it. I am staying steadfast in my faith knowing God has already worked it out. The Universe conspires in my favor.